Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
