I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
