I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
