i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
