Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
