There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
