I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
