Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
