Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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