How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
