I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
