I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
