I wish I only lived at night.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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