I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
