My first STD was from a foam party
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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