Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
