the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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