I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
