sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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