I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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