i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
