Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sarcasm needs its own font
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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