I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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