I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
