Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize