I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
