rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
