Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
