I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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