you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
