I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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