If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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