She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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