apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
