Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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