i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
