just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
