if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
