Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
