Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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