yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
