Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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