Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
