moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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