In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
