my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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