he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
