I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
