I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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