it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
