I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
