Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
