Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
