Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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