The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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