I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
