Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
