...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
